Retail.... therapy?

So I havent yet decided if this is a positive or a negative....

Well I am aware that it is both, but I have yet to choose where I am going to mentally categorize it.

8 years ago. I got married. Gained 20lbs out of nowhere. Seriously. Like "I" was 10lbs and "Do" was another 10. Like BAM!

None of my clothes fit. Ever. I bought supplemental things...and tried desperately to make some of the other things work, not that they really did, not that they looked good or were even comfortable. I was making do. Money was tight, I was determined to lose weight, everytime I tried on clothes, the clothes I grabbed didnt fit, the ones that did fit were giant sized. (Oh how I laugh now) So it hurt my self esteem. I hated clothes shopping. I had none. I hated my body. I didnt want to buy clothes that big, it was a waste of money because it wasn't "me."

Wishful thinking? I dont know if I'd even call it that.

So that was 8 years, then 6 years ago I was pregnant with our first daughter (shes 5 now) Maternity clothes too seemed like a waste. Why spend so much money on crap you'd wear for just a second. So I bought things I needed for work, like a few things.. just so I could go to work and look decent. Nothing really that felt good, that looked good. I was a blah prego. Gained 50lbs, like nothing. My face. My legs. My arms. The whole bit. So the once giant sized clothes became too small.

After she was born, I lost 30 of it, gained 10 of it back after we were done nursing. So, there was that... but still my long story is that Ive always hated my body since then.

Ive never invested in clothes because it brought me down. I only get 2 seconds in a changing room with pesky kids, I dont have time to try on for hours. And its not like I want to get a babysitter so I can go to the store.... I don't even get to go on dates, so I would rather save sitters for those occasions, right? Every dressing room experience was a horrible one. Every.

Now another child, another pregnancy, again, just buying stuff as needed, little bits at a time. When I buy 2 new things I love, I wear them, wash them, wear them... over and over, until in 2 months they're worn out and look like hell, and I hate them....

2 weeks ago my aunt and teenage cousin were here visiting from Minnesota.

My cousin and I scrambled in Old Navy for some clothes for the kids and hubby to wear for pictures. Got some cute things. Went back the next day, spent boat loads of money, applied for the Old Navy credit card, (I want the rewards and the coupons!)The kicker to all of this was my cousin McKenzie grabbed clothes for me and brought them to the fitting room. I picked some of the things, but she told me what with what. Which was helpful. The last time I was in style we were still on the whole 70's super flare business. Not leggings and tunics.

So then, they leave.... Old Navy steepens their clearance. 50% off already reduced prices brought clothes down super cheap. Alot of my things were between $5 and $10 dollars, some of the kids things were like $1-$3

It was awesome. And by that time I had already spent so much there that I developed this horrible mentality, like "what the hells a little more..." Like $50 more? Like $100 more?

Yeah.

It grew.

I have about a dozen Old Navy receipts.

My family could be the center of an Old Navy ad. Except Im sure they couldn't use us, as we're not *plastic* Hahahaha (they use all mannequins of course)

So today... I went back again, I still needed to finish up a few things, I wanted a wool peacoat, theyre half off right now.

I love this coat! And its mine!

Taylor and I both needed brown leggings.

Im going to get that credit card bill and fricken hit the floor. I know I am.

Its going to be awful.... and at that point I will probably regret it.

But right now I feel good.

I have clothes. Everyday. And something different. Im not waiting on laundry. People are throwing compliments at me all day long. I feel incredible. It makes me a happy person. Not the shopping or the spending money, but the clothes....

This is the first time in my adult life that I've really just embraced my body for what it is, and accepting what it is not. Im a mom. Im happily married. My husband loves me. I'm mostly healthy. I have stretch marks. Im far from perfect, but its me... and thats it.

I feel good. Im so glad I spLuRgeD. (Splurge is an understatement)

It was on my brand new credit card. Its probably not going to get paid off completely when the statement comes. I despise credit card debt.

But I FEEL good. Finally.

I have a wardrobe. Im not holding out, waiting to shop for those clothes in that right size. Like its a crime to buy clothes *my* size. Im accepting who I am. I am shopping for me, the size I am today.

The size I will be tomorrow.

And guess what?

I LOVE IT!